I don't know what to buy for Hub's sister for Christmas. I have looked, and looked, and looked. I have picked up a dozen lovely things, things that I would love to receive, and put them down again halfway to the cash. The girl is less than a year older than I am, you'd think we'd have enough in common that it would be easy to pick out her gift. I used to think that. I used to just find something that I loved and believe that she would like it too.
Then, two years ago, right about now, A called Hubs as he was driving home from work. She complained to him that I never spent enough money on her or their mom's gifts. She thought I was spending more on my sister and parents. (I don't know how she came to that conclusion, if anything the reverse is true because there are so many more people to buy for on my side of the family... and I only exchange gifts with one of my four siblings, the rest of us just buy for the children.)
I'm sure Hubs would never have told me about this conversation if he'd known how upset it was going to make me. To him it was just one of the litany of thoughtless, throwaway complaints his family has showered him with for years. But I was devastated. I thought of the beautiful silver earrings I'd given A the year before....of the handblown glassware wrapped up under our tree waiting for her, and the bag of stocking stuffers, all wrapped up and hidden in my closet until Christmas morning. None of it appreciated. None of it good enough.
I was completely unprepared for her criticism. I love Christmas shopping, love buying things for others and wrapping them up as pretty as can be, imagining the expression on their recipient's face as the paper is torn away. I was raised to be grateful for every gift I was given. I know that some of my friends and cousins received more expensive gifts, but I don't remember ever feeling jealous. My mom, as 'Santa', was and is, amazingly generous and talented. She taught us that giving is the greatest joy.
My younger sister and I both remember one Christmas, when we couldn't have been any older than 6 and 7, coming downstairs to see the stockings filled to overflowing with goodies wrapped in brightly coloured, glittering paper. (I'm not sure how many there were that year, but my mom filled one for everyone in the house on Christmas morning, that could be as many as twelve. ) As we rushed to find our own, to feel and shake each package while we waited for our teen-aged siblings to get up so that we could open them, we noticed that Santa had forgotten one stocking. Our Mom's was empty. I still remember the feeling I had in the pit of my stomach as my sister and I looked around for something to put in her stocking. Filling a bag with Christmas candy and dropping it in, looking at that one pitiful lump in the toe of her stocking. Mom got up and found us, and hugged us, and smiled. She wasn't worried that Santa forgot her....she said maybe he just left her something bigger under the tree.
I guess it's my mom's incredible capacity to give that I can't reconcile with my sister-in-law's incredible capacity to get. And I've lost my Christmas spirit when it comes to her gift. So, as I find myself unable to get perspective on this, I need you to help me. A is my age, but she's single, childless and very social. I've filled a stocking for her, and I'm thinking I'll give her a nice bottle of wine with a note "For a party..." and a pound of my favourite organic free-trade gourmet coffee, with a tag "and for the morning after..." It's a gift I'd be happy to get, but please tell me - if you were my sister-in-law, would you like it?
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18 comments:
I would *love* it. That is an excellent gift. But then, I like my wine :)
However...*she* still may not like this gift. She may just have decided that nothing you do is quite up to snuff. You can't change that. Try not to agonize over it, and don't let it spoil your Christmas.
HUGS! Heidi
You know - I get this completely. I have a similar problem. I find my SIL the hardest to buy for, and she has never said thank you. And, I put a lot of thought into what I get her.
But, one Christmas she bought me a size 3XL sweater when she knew I was trying to lose weight. The mean spirit behind that has always left me afraid to open her gifts.
As for your idea - I think it's nice. My thought is, you do the best you can.
But, it's hard.
You're right though - it is about the giving. I agonize too.
That's a tough situation. I would love that gift too, obviously you've put a lot of thought and effort into it. Don't fret over it so, she just seems like someone who is very hard to please. And that really bothers me, her criticism about the monetary value and comparisons etc... I guess she's forgotten that you've got two little children to think about as well?!
We only buy for the kids nowadays, and I'm so glad about that. We used to do gift exchanges among both sets of siblings, and that would work, but this Christmas everyone is so busy, some cash-strapped, so we're focussing on the time spent together.
Your mother sounds so sweet, obviously she's raised some special daughters as well, for them to think about her stocking.
I too - would love it. She is not very grateful and I would suggest that you just do your best, be as thoughtful as you are and not worry ANYMORE about her meanness! She needs to get over herself and be more appreciative and not so greedy - you can't change who she is, just be who you are and know that that is GREAT! Have a good day! See you later. Kellan
Your sister in law is a twit. And you're NEVER going to live up to her high standards, so buy her the very first gift that YOU think she should have.
You shouldn't have to waste time and energy on such a negative person.
Your gift idea sounds lovely. And if she doesn't like it, and says so, then frankly she has no class is lucky you spend ANY of your hard earned cash on her.
I would love it...I know the mind of the giver, we always want to give something which the receiver would like, but how often do we really hit the bull's eye.
Sometimes when we think too hard and too much into it, we may end up with a bigger suprise, someone else gave the same thing, EARLIER THAN YOU! that's what happened to me...*sigh*
hey its Christmas! A time for giving...its the thought that counts, not the gift...*wink*
That is an absolute fab gift.
It's easy to say don't let her bother you but so much harder to do.
Is she a wine drinker? A coffee drinker? Then go for it.
Or forget it and you drink the wine! (kidding...kinda).
I think that is a terrific gift!
But I have the same situation in my family, but the issue is my MIL and my dh's aunts.
My 3 sisters and I and our spouses just draw names and therefore only buy one gift each and then for the children. I always feel a bit bad about that cuz I have the most kids! Anyway, we are all very happy with that, and when we had no money I didn't buy anything for my family, just my dh's family.
My MIL just complained to my dh that I never am the one to buy her and the family's gifts or cards. (Not entirely true, I make dh write in their cards and help buy their gifts if he is around. But I do it otherwise and make sure he remembers)
She always tells my dh that we favour my family and give them better gifts and more time etc. Completely untrue. but whatever. I just tell myself that she is a bit unstable and there is no way I can make her happy, so I might as well not waste my energy worrying about it.
Some people are unpleasable and enjoy whining and complaining.
Oh, Laural Dawn, my MIL also loves to buy me the XXXL clothes. When dh and I first met and I was like a size 6, she gave me a XXL top. Hurt my feelings so much. Last year on my birthday, she did the same thing and I just told her, finally, that they were too big and I would not be able to wear them. She made me come back with her to the plus size store to find something that would work. I found some XS tops that were not too bad and took those.
This year she told me that she couldn't buy me clothes it was too hard to get the right size and that basically I was picky. I told her that I don't wear plus size, just a regular L or XL shirt would be fine. ugh.
Good luck Badness, I hope that it works out for you.
I think it is a great idea. If she isn't happy with it, then there is probably no pleasing her.
I told everyone that we are only buying for the children this year. All the adults can cope without gifts. I love the giving, but like you, I hate trying to live up to the expectation of what I 'should' be spending/buying.
I think you are a sweet person for agonizing so much about what to give someone who actually complains about how much is spent on her. I would be tempted to give her coal.
But I think it is a great gift idea.
I think it's a great and creative gift idea. I wouldn't agonize over it too much, though, as she sounds like the type that would complain no matter what the gift was. Don't worry about it, get what you want to give her, and move on to gift-giving to someone who will be grateful :)
and if she doesn't like it...send it on over here!
Honestly, it sounds like she needs to grow up a bit. I think when I was young I used to measure my in-laws gifts more harshly than I should have. I am not that person anymore because life has taught me a few tough lessons. Hopefully your sil will just grow up. If not, I'm with everyone else, you just can't worry too much about it.
Hugs!
i would love it...but here's my take on the whole situation. your SIL is trying to manipulate you with her complaint. She is trying to get "better" (in her mind this seems to equals more expensive) gifts from you. If you give in to that, you are allowing her to manipulate you. And you can choose to do that for family peace, which is reasonable, I know... or you can take a different tact. You could suggest not exchanging gifts (even dropping the hint that that's what you do with YOUR family say "I really enjoy shopping for things that i think you will like, but I know that sometimes holiday shopping can get overwhelming, and so my siblings and I have forgone giving between adults. I would be happy to keep exchanging gifts, but I just wanted to put it out there that we would be willing to forgo gift giving if you'd prefer." Or... you can do your best to ignore the comment and give from your heart... and try to let go of your bitterness. (or you cold be bitter and give her coal, but I'm trying to think christmas love here...)
Having a similar issue with my family, I have stopped bothering to worry about it. I do what Type (little) a said, buy the first thing that occurs to me as a "good" gift for that person and then move on. There will be no pleasing them so it is silly to stress over it at all...
Good luck! (And I would LOVE to get that gift!)
*I* would love it. However, since your sister sounds like a cold heartless bitca with no soul - who knows.
You know what I'd be tempted to do? Go buy yourself some awesomely expensive sweater of a famous brand. Like sick famous. Make sure it has a tag you can take out of the neck. Then go buy a cheap-@$$ sweater at .... anywhere ... and sew the tag into it.
But I'm pure evil too.
I think it sounds like a great idea and am now considering it for one of my best single girlfriends! See? I like it so much I stole it. Just like that. As for your SIL, I think that no matter what you do and how much thought you put into it, unless you spend a million dollars on her she won't appreciate it.
Aww - I'm sorry. Hubs and I have experience navigating that fun family gift-giving route. There are no easy answers and sometimes you just can't please the Scrooges in the family.
Oh, and I would totally love that gift. Especially if you dropped the wine and doubled up on the coffee. =)
Good luck!!
I'm with Heidi: The gifts sounds terrific, but there could well be an underlying issue and nothing will be good enough.
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