Family Portrait

The Scene: Bad, muttering to himself, while drawing intently at the kitchen table. Me, face in the neck of my shirt, trying not to laugh out loud.

"Hmm...there's Grandma...what does she need? Yes! Hair! (ed. note - in real life the rest of us have hair too.) Hmm...there's Sally (ed. note - that's our dog) what does she need? Booger holes! Yes! Sally always needs booger holes!"





Booger holes indeed. We've all got them, we all need them. And I think it's a pretty good drawing from a boy who only just turned 3. Biased? You bet.

They're too smart for my own good...

Hubs was in Buffalo last night, leaving me to fend for the kiddos alone. After a supremely nutritious dinner of no-name mac & cheese and easter chocolate I took them upstairs for an abbreviated bath. (It was supposed to be a loooonnng bath, during which I would flit in and out of the room while simultaneously cleaning up and doing laundry, but they splashed half the water out of the tub onto the floor and I had a temper tantrum.)

I had heaved Bad's futon mattress down the stairs and set up a big bed in front of the telly so that we could have a cuddly sleepover downstairs, but my monsters were more inclined to use it as a landing pad, jumping repeatedly off the sofa. After admonishing them repeatedly to "just lie down already!" I threatened to make them sleep upstairs in my bed.

"NO MOMMY! NO! We want to have a sleepover!"

"But nobody is being good!" They both immediately fell into bed beside me, and Bad climbed on my chest, looked into my eyes and said, both earnest and straight-faced, "Yes Mommy! YOU is bein' good."

From there the night dissolved into laughter, and tickles, and cuddles, and sleep.

Pull those heartstrings, boy-child

Bad dumped all the baskets of toys into one big pile this morning. I heard the noise and came stomping into the living-room with the LOOK on my face. But before I could even open my mouth to begin a rant or lecture, he looked up at me with a cheeky grin (MY grin) and said:

"Sell me gypsies?"

What could I do but scoop him up and cover his whole body with tickles and kisses?





You're yummy, bad boy.

Unbalanced diet

I hope that the old adage "you are what you eat" won't really hold true, because so far today my 2- year old has eaten:

Breakfast - 3/4 of a can of this (he saw it in the cupboard and refused to entertain the idea of any other meal) , a glass of chocolate milk (but not so very chocolately - after he'd seen me making chocolate milk for the princess' school lunch, you didn't think he'd take his plain, did you?), and a slice of toast with peanut butter.

Lunch - 3 x 100g containers of bio-best yogurt (2 blueberry, 1 raspberry) and 3 slices of toast with peanut butter (And he's standing on his chair shouting "More! More! More!").

Whatever could I make for dinner to round out this wholesome diet day?

I suppose it's to be expected

Since I weaned him, Bad has been having a lot of temper tantrums. Truly alarming temper tantrums. A LOT of truly alarming temper tantrums. I guess he's realized that he's got a good 14 or 15 years before he can get in any quality boob time again. I think that would hit any man hard.

On the flip side, Hubs is grinning like a teenager who just copped his first feel.

Kick me when I'm down - the Happy New Year's edition

We actually had a wonderful New Year's Eve. We threw a mattress on the floor in front of the sofa and loaded it down with blankets and pillows for family movie night. (Complete with popcorn and peanut m&m's!) Only Hubs and the dog made it to the countdown, but the rest of us were confident that the New Year would safely arrive whether we stayed up to welcome it or not.

Yesterday morning held another first, the one that makes me feel a bit battered, because it makes me feel like my baby really is growing up.



What the HELL is she doing to me?


Well....alright....if you want to give me a lolly....



Happy New Year's dudes....you might want to start locking up your daughters.

Endings

On Saturday afternoon I laid down with Bad and nursed him to sleep. I didn't know it then, but it was the last time I'd ever nurse a baby. One o'clock in the afternoon of Saturday, December the twenty-seventh, 2008.

That evening Bad threw a temper tantrum. A down and out kicking and hitting and crying and screaming temper tantrum. He kicked out and hit my sprained thumb so hard that the pain took my breath away. After I'd calmed down, and calmed him down, I helped him into his pyjamas, brushed his teeth and lay down beside him in his bed. He immediately reached for my shirt.

"I'm sorry buddy, I can hold you, I can kiss you, I can sing to you or rub your back, but I can't nurse you right now." And I couldn't. I just couldn't bear the thought of lifting my shirt up and letting him latch on. Maybe he sympathised with the weary note in my voice, or he may have just been exhausted and cried out, but he let me just hold him and do 'criss-cross' on his back until he fell asleep.

I hadn't intended to never nurse him again, although I've been muttering about weaning for months. He napped in the car on Sunday, and at bedtime I rubbed his back again and told him that my milk was almost gone. If he'd cried I'd have given in, but he didn't. He curled his body into mine and was asleep in minutes.

Yesterday the first wave of sadness came. We spent the day with the dinosaurs at the ROM, so Bad napped in the car again. I thought, for a moment, about nursing him to sleep at night - a last nurse, a chance to say good-bye - but it would've been for me, and made things harder on him.

Ironically, after three days without nursing and barely a whimper, this morning his tears came. I took away a 'toy' that he wanted to play with, (a rail from the back of one of the kitchen chairs) and he wanted to be soothed with a breast. I took him up to nap, but I held my ground. There is still milk there, but it's receding. The fullness is gone. My baby cried and fought and clawed at my chest to get in, and I held him and whispered to him but pushed his hands away until I was crying too. He's sleeping now. He fell asleep in my arms. I shouldn't feel guilty, it's been two years, it's time. I think I made the right decision....didn't I?

Wake-up Call

I woke up this morning to the sound of a car alarm. I glanced at the clock. 5:05. I lay my head back down for the merest moment before it registered that the sound was MY car alarm. I jumped out of bed and as I hit the bottom stair, I recognized another sound over the cacophony in the driveway. Giggles. I looked toward the sound, and there was Bad. On his tiptoes, looking out the window at the flashing lights and screaming siren of my car. My keys in his hand, finger on the panic button. He's a remote control prodigy.

My sincerest apologies, if you live in my street. I've got coffee on, if you can't get back to sleep either....

Weekly Winners - Bad is in the House

Hey, beautiful ladies of the Blogosphere! Miss me? I knew you did. Listen, thanks for reading my mom's drivel day after day, she doesn't have my style or charm, but she tries hard.

My mom is always complaining that I put more of my food on top of my head than into my mouth. She's exaggerating, and I only do it so that we can have a fun activity after meals, so she doesn't get bored. But is she grateful? No. Women can be so hard to please. She usually tries to give me something 'safe' for breakfast and lunch, but yesterday I showed her that a grilled cheese sandwich can no longer be considered one of those foods.

I told her quite clearly what was expected. I pointed up the stairs and said "Ba! Ba!" But did she take me to the tub for some splashy-time fun? No. She stubbornly brushed out the worst and then scrubbed my head with a washcloth!

As if that wasn't enough humiliation, she twirled my hair into this ridiculous kewpie doll hair-do. Could one of you call her and let her know that it's not 1983 and I am NOT her Cabbage Patch doll?
It's gonna take me forever to comb this out and return to my signature cool. *Sigh*. Catch you later girls.

Eeeewwww.......

"Mommy, Mommy! Your son got something from the bath-rooomm!

The toilet brush. Yuck. Why does he always do this to me?

Weekly Winners...It's been a Bad week...

Go check out the rest of Lotus's wonderful Weekly Winners Meme, there are always some fabulous participants. I can't for the life of me get the link button to load this morning.....I guess Blogger's hacked off with me again about something....I'm pretty sure Blogger's a man....

The obligatory spaghetti face shots -

Aren't you glad he's pointing at ME to clean him up?

He DOES have blocks

Peek-a-boo!

Don't I look handsome?

Thanks for the new sweater Grandma! Mommy bought me shoes to match!

Badness Jones' Emporium of Baked Delights....

My tummy hurt last night. After two days of baking and eating and cooking and eating and presents and eating and laughing and visiting and eating and eating and eating, I felt like my stomach was full of lead weights. I woke up this morning still full.

It was a wonderful Christmas. Santa came and spoiled my children. The expressions on their faces were priceless as they madly tore the paper off their gifts. I cooked a turkey dinner with all the trimmings for Hubs' family on Christmas Eve, and was in charge of dessert at my sister's house on Christmas day, so it felt like a bakeshop in here on the morning of the 24th.

Double Espresso Chocolate Torte

Apple Pie and Pecan Pie

Everything turned out wonderfully - I used orange juice as the liquid in the pastry, but I also used butter instead of shortening, and it was hell to work with. I'm giving you the recipe for the chocolate torte, because it was impressive and delicious, but also ridiculously easy and low effort.

On the Twenty's Signature Double Espresso Chocolate Torte

500g bittersweet chocolate, chopped (they recommend Callebaut, and that would probably make it even better, but I just used the extra-dark bars from President's Choice and it was still fabulous)

1 1/3 c. whipping cream

3/4 c. unsalted butter

6 eggs

1 c. sugar

3 tbsp. coffee liqueur

Preheat oven to 225 F. Butter a 10" springform pan, and line with parchment. Put chocolate in a large bowl. Heat butter and cream together in a saucepan just to a simmer, and pour over chocolate. Let sit 1 minute, and then whisk until smooth.

Whisk together eggs, sugar and liqueur and pour into chocolate mixture. Blend thoroughly. Pour into springform pan and bake for 2 - 2 1/2 hours until edges are set and center is still slightly soft. Cool at room temperature, then refrigerate overnight in pan before unmolding and cutting.

Eat. Moan with delight.

Christmas Dog

Is Santa still here?

No - but he brought exactly what she wanted.

OH - I cherish each and every one of your comments, but I would just like to register my astonishment that my last post, a post about the interior of my fridge, garnered more comments than anything else I have written here. I love you, but y'all are wierdos. Thank-you! I'm so relieved that it's not just me.

Warning!!!! Really Crappy Poetry!!!!

The Boy is Sick.

Baby boogers everywhere.

The boy just wiped some in my hair.

Mucus dripping. Slimy. Green.

More snot than I have ever seen.

Can't breathe to nurse, he bites instead -

Boogers stuffing up his head.

I dream of snot - I can't lie down

In a sea of green afraid to drown.

I wipe and wipe, the flow won't stop

I'd think of closing up the shop...

but I'm the mom - his nurse and rube.

....I think there's dried snot on my boob.

Yuck. Bad, when are you gonna have a nap so I can take a shower?!

This just in! Musings of a Housewife is giving away 4 Land's End diaper bags....just leave a comment for your chance to win!

A Guest Post - Bad Speaks Out

Hey there, ladies of the Blogosphere! It's me, Bad, the real reason you even read my mommy's blog! I've been tagged by Alex for a meme, and I've managed to put mommy out of commission long enough to give you girls some of my time. (Alex, you would not believe how hard it was to wear my mom out...seriously, I'm kinda proud of her - girl has the stamina of a MUCH younger mommy!) Don't worry ladies, my mom will be fine. I just took the bottom shelf out of the dishwasher twice, climbed into the drawer of the stove, threw Duplo in the toilet, removed the grates from all of the heating vents, turned off Dora 4 times in a row to make the Princess throw a mad shrieking fit, and had mom follow me up and down the stairs 26 times. She's passed out on the living-room carpet now...I just climbed right over her head and she could only open one eye and groan "...meh!". I don't think she's going anywhere soon, so I'm all yours.

Alex asked for eight things about me....just 8? You know I'm irresistable, right man? Ok, so here are my eight secrets to success with the ladies....starting with my mommy.

1. Keep the ladies entertained. Like yesterday, I was in a long queue at the store with my mom, and all the ladies were getting grumpy and bored. What I did is this: I tapped the lady in front of us on the back until she turned around, and then I high-fived her. Within minutes, every person in that store was smiling and cooing, and lining up to high-five me.



2. It's all in the eyes....I know there's nothing you can do to get big blue eyes, or a right eye that's half brown, and according to one pretty lady I know, "fierce!", like mine, (sorry guys, we can't all be this stunning)....but practise your eye contact. Look into your momma's eyes and blow her a kiss....she's the one you've got to charm for now!

3. Know when to stop causing trouble and be sweet....you've gotta learn to recognize your mommy's warning signals. When my mommy's getting sick of carrying me around and saving me from the constant danger I crave, and I can sense she's thinking of plunking me in the playpen, I give her a little hug and pat her on the arm or back. Just 4 or 5 soft little taps to say "I know Mommy, I know. But we're in this together." Try it, she'll melt.

4. Smile. A lot. Whenever your mom says "No!", and you intend to ignore her, turn around and flash her a great big grin. (I have a feeling this works best if you don't have all your teeth yet). Your mom will still be mad, but she'll be laughing too.

5. Dress well. You'll need your mommy's help for this one, but luckily mommies are easily manipulated. Put up a huge fuss anytime she tries to dress you in something ridiculous. If she's really slow to take the hint, remember that you have three meals a day to arrange a change of clothes. My mom has been known to be stubborn and pin my bib on after I've removed it 8 times....if your mom does this too, you can always turn over the dog's dish on yourself or stick your arm in a toilet.

6. Talk to your mommy, and any other ladies you want to charm. It doesn't matter what you say, it's just your tone of voice. I'm fond of telling my mom that she's gone bat-shit crazy, but she doesn't understand a word I say and just picks me up and kisses me all over!

7. If it's kisses you want, make sure to take care of your silky-sweet skin! And here's one of my favourite tricks: When mommy nuzzles my neck, I giggle. Then I turn my head and raise the other side of my head towards her until she nuzzles it. And then again. And again. And again.

8. I know that mommy has told you all that I'm a breast man. That girl is just a big blabber-mouth. She can't keep a thing to herself....but I won't be too hard on her, I am incredibly sweet and perfect, so I can't blame her for wanting to brag! If you want to keep nursing forever, like me, (and why wouldn't you? Especially since mommy's getting lazy about what she eats and drinks....breast milk with coffee! And red wine...chocolate...garlic....hot Peppers...Hot Damn!) Um...where was I? Oh yeah - nursing forever. Enjoy your acrobatic nursing in the day, but if your mom starts to threaten weaning, then at bedtime when you smell of baby lotion, and you're warm and snuggly in your fleecy sleeper, lie still next to your mommy as she nurses you, hold her breast in your hands (without digging your nails in, just this once) and make soft little contented sighs in the back of your throat. She'll give up that crazy weaning talk!

(I'm supposed to tag 8 more babies, but I'll just let any of you who want to overthrow your mommy's domination of the computer mount your own rebellions and join in.)

See ya girls! Bye for now....I'm gonna go check on mommy....I need her to make me some lunch.

He's a Breast Man

The Princess weaned herself between 8 and 9 months old. She was just too busy to nurse, and preferred a cup that she could hold by herself. I don't even remember the last time she nursed, I didn't have any engorgement or pain. It was easy and gradual.

The boy is a different story. He adamantly refuses a bottle or cup. I know I'm partly to blame. When he was about 3 months old he was slowly losing weight and we had to have him tested for Cystic Fibrosis and Celiac disease. He has always been a long, thin baby, but at that point you could count his ribs, and his face was gaunt and hollowed. While we waited for the test results we decided to supplement nursing with one bottle of formula a day. The test results all came back negative, and the 3oz of formula at night did the trick, he started gaining again. In hindsight, my mistake was stopping the formula when he started on solids and didn't seem to need it any longer. I did that because I was afraid he'd wean himself early like the Princess did, and as he's my last I wanted to continue on a bit longer. I'm not saying I want to give it up completely now, but I would like him to stop waking up at night to nurse, and it would be convenient to not be his only source of liquid!

I've started leaving him with a babysitter one day a week while the Princess is at school so I can do some work on the phone and computer for Hubs, and actually have a bit of time to myself. From 9:00 to 3:00 he refuses to drink one drop. Bad's a breast man. My other problem is that he's not a very calm nurser. He rarely lies still anymore. I've adjusted to the pinching and grabbing that accompanies all feeds, but lately he's started working on some more athletic moves. This morning I was lying with him in my bed, trying to get him to go down for a nap, and he was wiggling and squirming and trying to stand up. All without letting go of my nipple. It's like he's caught in an internal struggle between wanting me, and wanting to nurse, and wanting to get up and be a big kid and explore the world. I don't want to force his decision, but I don't think I should have to nurse a kid while he's perfecting a downward-facing dog!

When did you all wean? How did you make the decision? How did you make it happen? I have a friend who got so fed up with a two year old who refused to wean that she put Tabasco sauce on her nipples.....he was so shocked and angry he punched her in the eye! She had a shiner for a week! Do I have to just put up with this? I don't mind nursing him longer, but I would like the mother abuse to end. Help me, blogosphere!

And does anyone know why blogger has suddenly decided to double-space my posts? Me no like!

He Walks!

Badness has been climbing stairs and cruising around the furniture for months now, but last night he let go and took more than the tentative two or three steps he'd been doing.....he walked halfway across the living-room into my arms! Mommies lock up your daughters....there is nowhere left to hide!

And talks!

This morning he said his first word! Banana! Well, 'nana! 'nana! As I was holding one at the time and he was gesturing wildly for me to 'just give me the banana already woman!' I have chosen to view it as a real word and not a coincidence. The Princess maintains that he said "chair" a few weeks ago, but I have invoked my power as mommy and keeper of the baby books and declared that unless I see and hear it, it doesn't count.

I apologize for the excess of exclamation points in this post, but I am Just! So! Proud! and scared....but we'll save that for another post.

A Plague upon the House of Bad

Oh alright...so it's just some kind of nasty cold virus. But Badness has been up coughing the last few nights, by yesterday morning he had a low-grade fever and was dripping disgusting green mucus out of his nose. Come late afternoon the Princess and I were sporting fevers, and I have that tell-tale scratchy tickle in my throat. I didn't get much sleep. At one point in the night when we were nursing, Badness had a coughing fit and accidentally bit down so hard on my poor nipple that it still has the marks.

I commented somewhere that I was going to try to post photos this weekend, and Sarcastic Mom suggested I join in on her Weekly Winners meme, but I never did get the camera out. I promise that I will do it one day soon. In the meantime, go and have a look at what less lazy people did.

I'll leave you with just one more whiny complaint - Hubs wouldn't get up with the kids this morning, and I had to make my own sick tea......poor old me.

Photographic Negative

So I had this bright idea that I could snap the kid's photos for our Christmas cards myself....

Will you please sit still?



Now smile!

I said SIT STILL!

Does this look like sitting still to you?

Sigh.

I'll make an appointment with the photographer next week.

First Snow

By February I'll be telling you that I hate snow....but today I have nowhere to go, there's hot chocolate in the house, and I love this:

and this....

and this.

Upping the cuteness....

I'm going to up the cuteness quotient on the internet this morning.

Presenting:

The inimitable Badness Jones as one BAD rabbit!

And as the apprentice of Bad:

How TOTALLY cute is my nephew Bill ?

(That's not really his name, but it's the pseudonym that will most irritate my sister!)

My work here is done. Enjoy the rest of your weekend!