Let's Party Like it's 1999....

My sister, her husband, and my beautiful nephew Bill are coming to spend New Year's with us tonight. They're bringing dinner. Now that's a good houseguest! I just have to go out and buy a bottle of bubbly to toast the new year....which will probably be done with mimosas at breakfast.

I took down the tree yesterday, the first time I've ever done it before New Year's day. It was still holding it's needles, but it went up early this year and it had lost it's magic for me. It's nice to have the space back. I'm going to take the Christmas cards down, vacuum, and re-arrange a bit of furniture to hide the blank spot that held the tree. I want to get all the laundry done, change the sheets, and put everything in it's place to start the new year. It won't last 12 hours, but still.

It has been a long year, this first one with Bad. There have been countless precious memories made, a parade of triumphant firsts, but I am glad to see it go. I am relieved to say good-bye to his babyhood, and embrace a toddler instead. I was not prepared for this boy, for the pace he would set us from the very moment of his birth. He has demanded love and care from us, grasping at the world with both hands, siezing his due. He has given back joy tenfold, but this year has taken it's toll on my mind and spirit and body. I can see glimpses of the new year coming now, as he reaches for his daddy and not only me, as his attempts to communicate become clear, as he elicits more laughter from me than tears. Maybe this will be the year he starts to sleep through the night....

I have high hopes for 2008, I'm not going to make a list but they will reveal themselves here in time. I hope you all have a wonderful time tonight, whether partying madly or staying at home. Part of me regrets not planning a more exuberant celebration, but really I'm happy to be spending the night with the ones I love best. Tomorrow morning, getting up early and NOT having a hangover, I will be absolutely ecstatic about it. Here's hoping the new year brings joy, health and laughter to us all.

Happy New Year!!

Veronica over at Sleepless Nights just created this new bling and awarded it to ME!! Bad is screaming at my leg so I can't create links to everyone I would like to right now, but you know who you are....everyone who reads and comments here has really made a difference to me this year. You mean a lot to me friends, so have some beautiful bling for your blog:

Weekly Winners - A Princess's View

Santa brought me just what I wanted!! A camera!! I booted Mommy right off the computer so I could join in the Weekly Winners Meme with Braden and Lotus. I know you'll be a lot more excited to see my photos than you would be to read more of Mom's ranting, rambling posts. So, ta da! Here it is, a Princess' eye view of the House of Bad.

My dad. Reading the newspaper. It takes him all day.

My brother Bad

My Grampa Pampa

Gah! Mommy without make-up! Before coffee! Avert your eyes!

My mom used my camera to take this one of me....obviously she doesn't know how to hold the camera still, but she kind of likes the effect. She says that's what I really looked like as I ran around the house hopped up on Christmas sugar.

I gotta go now....I'm supposed to be in bed! Bye!

Two memes for the price of one....

Tootsie Farklepants (I giggle everytime I read, say, or type her name!) has tagged me for a 7 things meme. I have done this before, here and here, but I'm sure I can think of 7 more....and I haven't taken the required photos for the other post I'm working on, so here goes:

You already know the rules. Oh - and Chantelle tagged me for a meme a while back where I was supposed to link back to some of my favourite posts. I'm lazy, so I'll combine that meme with this one.

1. My first kiss was with the Spanish cousin of a friend's next-door neighbour. We were all playing tag. The only English he knew was the lyrics to Motley Crue's 'Smokin' in the Boy's Room'. I was 10. That song still makes me smile and I still like Latin men - but don't worry Matthew, I'll always love you best.

2. I don't clean the house nearly as often as I should, but when I do clean something I tend to get a little obsessive compulsive about it. If you like the fridge, you should see what I can do with a linen closet.

3. I like re-arranging furniture. I find it therapeutic. If Hubs is away and I can't sleep I will do it in the middle of the night.

4. Sometimes when I watch my husband sleeping I have to fight back an urge to kick him repeatedly. Sometimes I give in and hoof him quickly in the shins.

5. At my sister's house on Christmas day as I was watching my beautiful nephew Bill play in his exersaucer, Bad walked up, put a finger in his mouth, and extracting it with a pop, inserted it into his cousin's ear. Then he looked at me, smiled and high-fived. Yes, at the tender age of 12 months, my son has learned to execute a perfect 'wet willie'. I'm so proud.

6. I hate wearing socks. If I didn't have children to set a good example for, I probably wouldn't wear them at all. I do like my slippers, and I covet these, which would render socks redundant, even in winter.

7. I think I'm addicted to blogging. The first thing I do when I get up in the morning is flick on the computer on my way to make coffee.

Gah! I had a hard time with this today, and not only because I've got a child on each leg. I'm not tagging anyone, but if you feel you need an excuse to talk about yourself, feel free!

Badness Jones' Emporium of Baked Delights....

My tummy hurt last night. After two days of baking and eating and cooking and eating and presents and eating and laughing and visiting and eating and eating and eating, I felt like my stomach was full of lead weights. I woke up this morning still full.

It was a wonderful Christmas. Santa came and spoiled my children. The expressions on their faces were priceless as they madly tore the paper off their gifts. I cooked a turkey dinner with all the trimmings for Hubs' family on Christmas Eve, and was in charge of dessert at my sister's house on Christmas day, so it felt like a bakeshop in here on the morning of the 24th.

Double Espresso Chocolate Torte

Apple Pie and Pecan Pie

Everything turned out wonderfully - I used orange juice as the liquid in the pastry, but I also used butter instead of shortening, and it was hell to work with. I'm giving you the recipe for the chocolate torte, because it was impressive and delicious, but also ridiculously easy and low effort.

On the Twenty's Signature Double Espresso Chocolate Torte

500g bittersweet chocolate, chopped (they recommend Callebaut, and that would probably make it even better, but I just used the extra-dark bars from President's Choice and it was still fabulous)

1 1/3 c. whipping cream

3/4 c. unsalted butter

6 eggs

1 c. sugar

3 tbsp. coffee liqueur

Preheat oven to 225 F. Butter a 10" springform pan, and line with parchment. Put chocolate in a large bowl. Heat butter and cream together in a saucepan just to a simmer, and pour over chocolate. Let sit 1 minute, and then whisk until smooth.

Whisk together eggs, sugar and liqueur and pour into chocolate mixture. Blend thoroughly. Pour into springform pan and bake for 2 - 2 1/2 hours until edges are set and center is still slightly soft. Cool at room temperature, then refrigerate overnight in pan before unmolding and cutting.

Eat. Moan with delight.

Christmas Dog

Is Santa still here?

No - but he brought exactly what she wanted.

OH - I cherish each and every one of your comments, but I would just like to register my astonishment that my last post, a post about the interior of my fridge, garnered more comments than anything else I have written here. I love you, but y'all are wierdos. Thank-you! I'm so relieved that it's not just me.

Girl's gone a wee OCD....Weekly Winners!

Here are my pics for Lotus's weekly winners meme - I'm afraid that they're only exciting to me.

The annual pre-Christmas fridge clean-out -

and then we went shopping.

Our dream home....and Christmas dinner centerpiece. Great job Princess!

I was thinking of posting the photo of the interior of the fridge, ON the fridge, so that Hubs could put everything back where I want it....but that struck me as a little TOO crazy and controlling....even for me.

Another Day, another Party

The Princess had yet another Christmas party yesterday, this time at her "little" school. The Princess was invited as a special guest....being best friends with the teacher's son has its benefits. The party included a small concert, and never one to let a little thing like not having seen a rehearsal slow her down, the Princess chose to participate....the girl is a master of improvisation. Bad worked the room like a pro, giving parents and grandparents an excuse to say "ooh!" and "awww..." and "he's such a darling!". He hugged the legs of many strangers and would stop whatever he was doing to clap....a minute or so after everyone else did.

On the way home (only a block) the Princess went into full meltdown mode. She was exhausted, and over-sugared, and overwhelmed. She was crying and dragging her feet. I was being as patient and understanding as possible, and hushing "I know, you're tired, let's just go home, you can rest at home...."

She sucked in a big breath, wiped away a tear and sputtered, between sobs, "I've just had SUCH a big day....Mommy, I think I need a nice hot cup of tea..."

Don't we all. Merry Merry Christmas everybody! I hope Santa's nice!

Warning!!!! Really Crappy Poetry!!!!

The Boy is Sick.

Baby boogers everywhere.

The boy just wiped some in my hair.

Mucus dripping. Slimy. Green.

More snot than I have ever seen.

Can't breathe to nurse, he bites instead -

Boogers stuffing up his head.

I dream of snot - I can't lie down

In a sea of green afraid to drown.

I wipe and wipe, the flow won't stop

I'd think of closing up the shop...

but I'm the mom - his nurse and rube.

....I think there's dried snot on my boob.

Yuck. Bad, when are you gonna have a nap so I can take a shower?!

This just in! Musings of a Housewife is giving away 4 Land's End diaper bags....just leave a comment for your chance to win!

Taking candy from a baby...

The kids and I were very busy yesterday. We had breakfast with Santa at a community centre a few minutes from my sister's house - but a few minutes from my sister's house is almost an hour and a half from ours. It was hell getting out of here before 8:00, but totally worth the drive, the kids had a fantastic time.

When we got home I had to bake sugar cookies for the Princess's JK class. They're having their Christmas party today and I promised 25 cookies, plus icing and sprinkles, so the kids can decorate their own. The Princess was a big help, rolling and cutting out over 40 teddy bear cookies. I promised her that she could decorate the rest t home tonight, so she can leave for Santa.

At 6:00 I was madly cleaning up the kitchen and trying to cook dinner for my tired hungry children, when Hubs called to say he'd be late. He walked in almost an hour later, just as Bad was throwing his last piece of tortellini to the dog. The Princess was bouncing up and down, excited to see her daddy and begging to open her advent calendar. Exhausted, I told her to wait for daddy. I should have known better. She waited while he ate, while he changed his clothes, and while he checked his e-mail. When he finally got around to joining us in the living room, he and the Princess found the door with the little 19, and he helped her get the chocolate out. Then he opened up Bad's, and shared the chocolate with him.

"Mmmm..". Then he noticed that there was still a chocolate under the 12. "You missed one!"

"No", Bad just shook his calendar and some of the chocolates moved around. I don't know what day that belongs to yet."

"Oh well." Hubs said. And then he ate the chocolate.

"Hey! I told you not to eat that! What's wrong with you?"

"What? He's just a baby....he doesn't care. It's fine." And he opened up another door, and ate another chocolate.

"Stop it! Those aren't for you! I bought those calendars to teach the kids about waiting for Christmas! You're ruining it!"

"It's fine. Stop yelling at me. It's fine."

"It's not fine! You're stealing chocolate from your son's future!" At this point Hubs started laughing at me, and maybe I did sound ridiculous, but I was mad, and you guys know what I meant!

The Princess came to my rescue. "You're naughty Daddy! You say sorry to Bad right now!"

And then, this morning? Of the 16 sugar cookies I'd saved for the Princess to decorate at home...guess how many were left? 2!

"Well I didn't know they were for decorating! I didn't touch the ones for school!"

I'm so upset I made fudge. Well, I'd promised to bring it to my sister's for Christmas Day anyway, but I made it early. I'm going to have to hide it though, what with Hubs's apparent case of PMS.....and now I have to make more sugar cookies! Gah!

A Guest Post - Bad Speaks Out

Hey there, ladies of the Blogosphere! It's me, Bad, the real reason you even read my mommy's blog! I've been tagged by Alex for a meme, and I've managed to put mommy out of commission long enough to give you girls some of my time. (Alex, you would not believe how hard it was to wear my mom out...seriously, I'm kinda proud of her - girl has the stamina of a MUCH younger mommy!) Don't worry ladies, my mom will be fine. I just took the bottom shelf out of the dishwasher twice, climbed into the drawer of the stove, threw Duplo in the toilet, removed the grates from all of the heating vents, turned off Dora 4 times in a row to make the Princess throw a mad shrieking fit, and had mom follow me up and down the stairs 26 times. She's passed out on the living-room carpet now...I just climbed right over her head and she could only open one eye and groan "...meh!". I don't think she's going anywhere soon, so I'm all yours.

Alex asked for eight things about me....just 8? You know I'm irresistable, right man? Ok, so here are my eight secrets to success with the ladies....starting with my mommy.

1. Keep the ladies entertained. Like yesterday, I was in a long queue at the store with my mom, and all the ladies were getting grumpy and bored. What I did is this: I tapped the lady in front of us on the back until she turned around, and then I high-fived her. Within minutes, every person in that store was smiling and cooing, and lining up to high-five me.



2. It's all in the eyes....I know there's nothing you can do to get big blue eyes, or a right eye that's half brown, and according to one pretty lady I know, "fierce!", like mine, (sorry guys, we can't all be this stunning)....but practise your eye contact. Look into your momma's eyes and blow her a kiss....she's the one you've got to charm for now!

3. Know when to stop causing trouble and be sweet....you've gotta learn to recognize your mommy's warning signals. When my mommy's getting sick of carrying me around and saving me from the constant danger I crave, and I can sense she's thinking of plunking me in the playpen, I give her a little hug and pat her on the arm or back. Just 4 or 5 soft little taps to say "I know Mommy, I know. But we're in this together." Try it, she'll melt.

4. Smile. A lot. Whenever your mom says "No!", and you intend to ignore her, turn around and flash her a great big grin. (I have a feeling this works best if you don't have all your teeth yet). Your mom will still be mad, but she'll be laughing too.

5. Dress well. You'll need your mommy's help for this one, but luckily mommies are easily manipulated. Put up a huge fuss anytime she tries to dress you in something ridiculous. If she's really slow to take the hint, remember that you have three meals a day to arrange a change of clothes. My mom has been known to be stubborn and pin my bib on after I've removed it 8 times....if your mom does this too, you can always turn over the dog's dish on yourself or stick your arm in a toilet.

6. Talk to your mommy, and any other ladies you want to charm. It doesn't matter what you say, it's just your tone of voice. I'm fond of telling my mom that she's gone bat-shit crazy, but she doesn't understand a word I say and just picks me up and kisses me all over!

7. If it's kisses you want, make sure to take care of your silky-sweet skin! And here's one of my favourite tricks: When mommy nuzzles my neck, I giggle. Then I turn my head and raise the other side of my head towards her until she nuzzles it. And then again. And again. And again.

8. I know that mommy has told you all that I'm a breast man. That girl is just a big blabber-mouth. She can't keep a thing to herself....but I won't be too hard on her, I am incredibly sweet and perfect, so I can't blame her for wanting to brag! If you want to keep nursing forever, like me, (and why wouldn't you? Especially since mommy's getting lazy about what she eats and drinks....breast milk with coffee! And red wine...chocolate...garlic....hot Peppers...Hot Damn!) Um...where was I? Oh yeah - nursing forever. Enjoy your acrobatic nursing in the day, but if your mom starts to threaten weaning, then at bedtime when you smell of baby lotion, and you're warm and snuggly in your fleecy sleeper, lie still next to your mommy as she nurses you, hold her breast in your hands (without digging your nails in, just this once) and make soft little contented sighs in the back of your throat. She'll give up that crazy weaning talk!

(I'm supposed to tag 8 more babies, but I'll just let any of you who want to overthrow your mommy's domination of the computer mount your own rebellions and join in.)

See ya girls! Bye for now....I'm gonna go check on mommy....I need her to make me some lunch.

Will somebody get me a kleenex?

The Princess is upstairs playing with a little girl from school....it's her first ever playdate with a school friend. It's her first ever playdate with another girl her age. She plays with my niece and god-daughter, but they're both a couple of years older, and all of my friend's kids are boys. The Princess calls them 'her boys', and she loves them dearly, but there is something different in this friendship she is developing with another girl. This friendship that she has made on her own, at school, away from my eyes and without my help.

My daughter is shy and cautious, the crazy drama queen that lives inside her takes a while to come out to play. When I first went back to work when she was one, I sent her to a home daycare. After a couple of months the Princess started to cry as soon as she saw me dressed in work clothes. I tried to talk to her caregiver about why she was suddenly unhappy, and was told that my baby was anti-social. Needless to say, the Princess wasn't there much longer. That barb stuck in my head though, and I worry more than I should about how she's faring socially. I know that she loves school, that children come up to us at the park and around town and cry "Hi Regan!". That should be reassurance enough that she is fine, but I find I want more.

I'm listening to their little girl voices whispering and giggling as they try on princess dresses and jewels, and I've got tears in my eyes! The princess is so sweet, and so big. She took her friend by the hand when she arrived, and showed her around the house. She said "Sal is my dog, don't worry, she likes kids." When did this happen? When did she stop being a baby? I am so proud of the person she is becoming....who knew a playdate could make me this happy?

Thanks, more thanks, and Linky Love

Thanks all for commenting yesterday on my gifting dilemma. I would love to suggest giving up the gift exchange, but Hubs family is really small....it's just him and his mom and sis. I did give fair warning of our budget restraints this year, and told A not to worry about buying for us if she just wanted to shop for the kids. We'll see what happens. It's Hub's happiness that I'm really concerned about. Countless holidays have been marred by temper tantrums, and even though he keeps his silence I know it breaks his heart. We've made the decision that we won't expose our children to that, but having to kick his family out of the house on Christmas Eve? I'd rather agonize over a gift and keep the peace.

Laural, Kristen - I hear you. My mother-in-law took the reverse tack. The first year Hubs and I were together I asked for longjohns, because we going skiing in Quebec for New Year's and I hate to be cold. I told her I didn't care what brand, but I needed size L. When I opened my gift on Christmas Eve it was a really nice pair of Hot Chilly's longjohns, size M. I figured she'd forgotten my size, and I could easily exchange them, so I just smiled and thanked her sincerely. She looked me up and down and said "I opened up the size large, but I didn't think anyone could possibly be that huge." Nice.

* * * * *

Veronica over at Sleepless Nights has started a forum. If you've never read her blog you should check it out, it's smart and funny. She's a young mom in Tasmania, (her daughter Amy is just a bit older than Bad). I love comparing notes with another mom, but even more I love the glimpses into her life in rural Australia, a country I've never been. Actually, it would have been the perfect spot for all of this gifting discussion, but I didn't think of that until now.

Rainbow Brite

Um, yeah - the new colour scheme is kinda lurid. I let the Princess 'decorate' my blog for Christmas...it was that or play Barbies, people! Let's live with it awhile, who knows? It might grow on us.....

I want to Rant but I'm trying not to.....

I don't know what to buy for Hub's sister for Christmas. I have looked, and looked, and looked. I have picked up a dozen lovely things, things that I would love to receive, and put them down again halfway to the cash. The girl is less than a year older than I am, you'd think we'd have enough in common that it would be easy to pick out her gift. I used to think that. I used to just find something that I loved and believe that she would like it too.

Then, two years ago, right about now, A called Hubs as he was driving home from work. She complained to him that I never spent enough money on her or their mom's gifts. She thought I was spending more on my sister and parents. (I don't know how she came to that conclusion, if anything the reverse is true because there are so many more people to buy for on my side of the family... and I only exchange gifts with one of my four siblings, the rest of us just buy for the children.)

I'm sure Hubs would never have told me about this conversation if he'd known how upset it was going to make me. To him it was just one of the litany of thoughtless, throwaway complaints his family has showered him with for years. But I was devastated. I thought of the beautiful silver earrings I'd given A the year before....of the handblown glassware wrapped up under our tree waiting for her, and the bag of stocking stuffers, all wrapped up and hidden in my closet until Christmas morning. None of it appreciated. None of it good enough.

I was completely unprepared for her criticism. I love Christmas shopping, love buying things for others and wrapping them up as pretty as can be, imagining the expression on their recipient's face as the paper is torn away. I was raised to be grateful for every gift I was given. I know that some of my friends and cousins received more expensive gifts, but I don't remember ever feeling jealous. My mom, as 'Santa', was and is, amazingly generous and talented. She taught us that giving is the greatest joy.

My younger sister and I both remember one Christmas, when we couldn't have been any older than 6 and 7, coming downstairs to see the stockings filled to overflowing with goodies wrapped in brightly coloured, glittering paper. (I'm not sure how many there were that year, but my mom filled one for everyone in the house on Christmas morning, that could be as many as twelve. ) As we rushed to find our own, to feel and shake each package while we waited for our teen-aged siblings to get up so that we could open them, we noticed that Santa had forgotten one stocking. Our Mom's was empty. I still remember the feeling I had in the pit of my stomach as my sister and I looked around for something to put in her stocking. Filling a bag with Christmas candy and dropping it in, looking at that one pitiful lump in the toe of her stocking. Mom got up and found us, and hugged us, and smiled. She wasn't worried that Santa forgot her....she said maybe he just left her something bigger under the tree.

I guess it's my mom's incredible capacity to give that I can't reconcile with my sister-in-law's incredible capacity to get. And I've lost my Christmas spirit when it comes to her gift. So, as I find myself unable to get perspective on this, I need you to help me. A is my age, but she's single, childless and very social. I've filled a stocking for her, and I'm thinking I'll give her a nice bottle of wine with a note "For a party..." and a pound of my favourite organic free-trade gourmet coffee, with a tag "and for the morning after..." It's a gift I'd be happy to get, but please tell me - if you were my sister-in-law, would you like it?

Why I can never have an affair.....

You may as well know it now. I have a huge crush on Matthew Mcconaughey. I was having the loveliest dream about him this morning.....but just as Matthew touched his beautiful lips to mine.....Gah! I was rudely awakened by a BABY. Bad, grabbing my head and squealing with joy as he attempted to rip off my face.

Wait for me Matthew....I've just got to deal with my wayward child....

Oh where coffee......where....?! Bad, you've gotta learn to make coffee first if you're gonna rip Momma from her sleep and her fantasies!

I love you, Matthew, kisses!

Better than a Lump of Coal

Everyone is making their lists for Santa now, but there is a very good chance that there will be nothing under the tree with my name on it. Hubs hates to shop. I'm almost convinced that he married me for my shopping prowess. I buy and wrap for the kids, his family, my family, our friend's kids, the Princess's teachers, the next door neighbours.....am I forgetting anyone?

Hubs just has to buy for me, and, at his request, I make him a list complete with the store addresses and websites. He leaves it to the last minute and I either get handed the gift still in the store's carrier bag, or get nothing at all.

However, on the rare occasions that Hubs decides to put his heart into giving.....wow. The first year that we were together Hubs went to Tremblant skiing with his friends on Valentine's Day. He offered to cancel his trip when he realized what he'd done, but I told him not to be stupid. I could handle Valentine's Day alone. The day he got back he called me and asked me to come to his house for dinner....and to bring a swimsuit. (I was like, wtf?) When I got there he'd taken a big roll of paper and covered the walls, and drawn palm trees all over them. He'd made a beach (with sand!!) on the floor, and a fire so that it was toasty warm. He was playing island music and he had the yummiest picnic for me....with champagne! How fast can you say "forgiven"?

The next year I was stressed out at college, with projects piled on every surface in my apartment, and a full-time job besides. Hubs waited until I finished school for Christmas break, and then he arranged with my employer for me to get the time off so he could surprise me with a trip to the Bahamas! His plan was to pack my bags for me and just drive us to the airport, but (thankfully!) he lost his nerve when confronted with my wardrobe and he gave me 24 hours notice to pack. In my panic to get ready and look stunning, I purchased a gorgeous pair of Armani sunglasses for almost $400. I really couldn't afford them...but they're still in my glovebox and I smile everytime I see them.

When I found out that I was expecting the Princess I was driving a little two-seater Honda CRX. Hubs had a Civic that he hated because it was too boring. Hubs is a car guy. I was more than happy to take the Civic and let him buy a new car, all I wanted was a back seat, a cup holder, and power steering! Hubs started shopping. Car shopping, he likes. He must have test driven 25 cars. One day he called me at work and told me to stop at the Mazda dealership on the way home....he's bought me the brand new car I liked. He drove the car he hated for three more years.

I spent the last month of my pregnancy with the Princess dropping hints about jewellery. I really wanted something from Tiffany's. There was no way Hubs was going to go to Tiffany's, I mean, it's downtown for one! He did buy me a very pretty silver locket. I guess I could moan and complain about the gifts I won't get this year, but I choose to be grateful instead. For the very precious gifts I've already been given.

Yeah, I'm a Loser, Baby....

Yesterday, at about 4:05, the Princess asked me when we were leaving for swimming.

"Gah! OH SHooT! Swimming has has already started! Quick, put your coat and boots on....I'll get the baby!"

I grabbed Bad out of bed and threw him into his snowsuit without socks. Grabbed a swimsuit and towel for the Princess and hustled them both into their carseats in less than 5 minutes flat. Tore out of the driveway and had her at the pool, and in the water, just about ten minutes after she asked her initial question. I've never forgotten about one of her activities like that before.

She's like me and hates to be late for anything but she did great in her lesson, and afterwards I gave her a big hug and helped her get changed. We pulled off her swimsuit and put on her sweater and unders. As I was trying to get her jeans over her feet I noticed that her underwear looked wet. I was kneeling in front of her, and as I looked at her, half-dazed, her underwear were definitely getting wetter by the second. I couldn't figure it out.....and then I saw a glimpse of red nylon....I'd put her underwear right on top of her bikini bottoms! Gah! How could anyone be that stupid?! (and to anyone thinking that she's four and should therefore dress herself, she can and does. But at 5:00, after an hour of swimming, she's tired and I'm tired, Bad is trying to crawl through puddles and I want to go home and make dinner so I dress her. Sue me.)

Obviously I couldn't let her go home in soaking wet underwear, and it's too cold to let her go home in her swimsuit and towel....and commando in jeans is just not a good thing. I rifled through the diaper bag in search of a solution and luckily her ballet leotard was still in there so we used it for underwear and just left the top half rumpled around her waist and tucked it under her sweater. Necessity is the mother of all invention...

Oh - and all of your comments yesterday made me think of something else I hate about that book, the suggestions of how to feed your baby. Now, I made my babies wonderful homemade baby food (because I can't stand the smell of the stuff in jars) and I'd never put cola in a bottle, but the recipe for Baby's First Birthday Cake....with wholewheat flour and apple juice concentrate instead of sugar? Come on! So here are a couple photos of my children being poisoned by white sugar and processed flour....you know they love it!

Bad's First Birthday Cake

The Princess's Second Birthday Cake

A Baby Rant

One of my bloggy friends posted a request for advice on what to read before conception. Inevitably, I suppose, What to Expect when you're Expecting was mentioned. I hate that book. I don't think that any pregnant woman should read it. I read it when I was expecting the Princess, and was sent into spirals of self-loathing for failing to live up to the standards of pregnant behaviour it advocates.

The Best Odds diet? I would need a personal chef to eat like that at the best of times. When I was pregnant I didn't have a chance. I took Diclectin but I still threw up multiple times every day for over 27 weeks. From seven weeks, when the "morning" sickness started until the Princess was born, I couldn't swallow a single pre-natal vitamin. I went weeks and weeks without drinking milk. The only liquids I could get down were ice chips and Coca-cola...and I don't drink coke when I'm not pregnant. I went months without any protein. The smell of meat, and particularly eggs, would make me leave the house. I retched at the sight or smell of chocolate!

What I'm trying to say is that no one knows how their body is going to react to pregnancy, and for those forty odd weeks their body really doesn't belong to them anyway. The last thing any of us needs is a set of unrealistic expectations to fail to meet. There is a lot of information on what can go wrong with a pregnancy in that book. Information that will apply to only the tiniest segment of the population. The author's note to only read the subjects that pertain to you personally is ridiculous - who is going to heed that advice? It all falls into the category of too much information. Why scare yourself? Find a doctor or midwife that you like and trust, and listen to what they tell you. Listen to your body. Just do your best and don't worry about being perfect. No one is perfect.

As a group, mommies are way too self-critical. We despair that we're bad moms for not wanting to play with Barbies or toy cars for hours on end, for wanting to pee by ourselves, for being human. We spend nine months pregnant and then every waking hour (and plenty when we'd rather be sleeping!) tending to the needs of others and then we beat ourselves up for bodies that aren't as smooth and taut as we think they should be.

The fact that you're already worrying about being your best, doing everything right, proves that you're a natural. Margaret, I hope that everything goes smoothly and happily and exactly the way you want. I have my fingers crossed for you. Have fun working on it. I hope you don't mind that I wrote this post (let me know, if you want I'll take it down) but I think you're amazing and I would hate for you to suffer any pre and post-partum depression like me. Any baby would be lucky to have you.


In other news, Veronica at Sleepless Nights gave me my first award! I'm going to give it to Margaret, because I like her and her blog so much (- and hopefully she'll forgive me for this post!) And to Karen, because she was the first person to ever comment here, and even though she's busy with a new job her blog is still great.

Party in the House of Bad

We've had a fantastic couple of days here at the House of Bad. Hub's cousin has been visiting from England and I adore her - she's funny and sweet and generous to a fault. There isn't a lovelier person anywhere. I left Bad at the sitter's on Thursday while the Princess was at school and went to pick H up from Hub's mom's house. (Grandma J was horrified that I hadn't brought her babies - for a minute I didn't think she would let me in!)

I had offered to take H shopping, which is half the reason she comes over, but I was a little apprehensive as I didn't know her very well. I shouldn't have worried, we had the best afternoon. We chatted and laughed and found H some great bargains to take home.

Hubs played hooky on Friday and we took H and the kids down to Casa Loma. They put on a lot of activities for Christmas including a play, a magic show and Santa. This year they were doing a spin on A Christmas Carol so there were some ghostly apparitions throughout the castle as well. It was great.

We had a birthday brunch for Bad yesterday, and our town very conveniently scheduled the Santa Parade for 11:00. We just had some friends and their kids, Hub's mom and sister, and H. Homemade muffins, fruit, coffee, cake....a parade....what else do you need?

Photos of course!

H and Bad at Casa Loma

Seeing Santa at Casa Loma

btw - anyone looking for a good Santa, this one was great. And other than the admission charge, free. You take your own photos. Lots of things for the kiddies to look at while waiting too!

Every Birthday Party should come with a parade


What is she doing? They keep telling me to stay AWAY from fire!


Shovel it in here a little faster Dad!

Oh - and the Princess's best friend A (he's 3 1/2) gave me the best laugh. They were playing so quietly upstairs that I went up to check on them. When I peeked in they were playing dress up, and being good as gold so I turned around and went to go in the washroom.

A: Oh no! You can't go there, that's the train station!

Me: Oh, okay. I'll go downstairs.

A: Good. We're taking a train to Minnesota. (He has an auntie there)

Me: Well that sounds fun.

A: Yeah. We're going to see Neil Diamond!

Winter Wonderland

I wanted to post about the snow this week, but as previously mentioned, our internet was down. When I saw how much trouble Sally had getting off the back deck I decided that I really didn't want to walk the Princess to school, and declared it a Snow Day. Apparently, only 20 kids showed up in the entire school...and if I'd known how ugly we'd all get stuck up in the house together, I'd probably have carried her over on my head!

I know that Hubs comes off badly a lot, (I'm sure if he wrote a blog I would sound worse!) but he's actually an amazing guy. He's never once let me help him shovel snow, for which I am eternally grateful, and it took him over an hour to dig out our cars this week. I don't even know where he keeps the snow shovel. Every morning before he leaves he cleans off my car in case I want to go out. If he's still home when I'm leaving he'll rush out to warm it up. I'm a lucky girl. Thanks Hubs! This was taken from our kitchen door Tuesday morning:

Sally and her path across our deck on Tuesday morning

And thanks again to everybody who posted yesterday. I left a big long response in the comments but I wanted to tell you that you helped. A lot. xoxo

"Colon cancer is a pain in the ass"....

That's what my dad said to me on the phone yesterday. I'm glad that he can still crack a joke, but I'm finding it very hard to laugh. I'm also finding it hard to sleep. It's 3:00 in the morning and my dad starts a new round of aggressive chemo today.

Hubs and I got into an argument when the credit card bill came this week. He didn't understand why I'd spent so much money on photos of the kids when I could have got them cheaper at Wal-mart or Sears.

I yelled back at Hubs, "I needed a really good photo of the kids for my dad, because he will be too sick to see them for the next four months!!"

I was shocked after I said it, I hadn't been consciously aware that I was so stressed out about that. I guess it's easier to worry about the little things than to let your real fears have time in your head. I want to be with my Dad and I can't be. I feel guilty about not doing more to help. My kids are winter germ factories and I'm terrified of making Dad sick. I feel helpless that my mom and dad are planning to spend Christmas alone, because Dad will probably not be up to company. I hate that there is nothing I can do to change that.

I'm angry about my Dad's illness. I'm extremely grateful that there is treatment available, but I'm livid that the treatment is hurting him so much. And that he has been hurting for so long. Why can't someone snap their fingers and make this go away? I want him to get better. Now. I do not feel like a grown-up as I write this - I feel like a little kid whose world has been shattered at the realization that her Daddy is only human. Because he's always been a superhero to me.

I love you Dad. Give us the word and we'll come running. We've got our fingers crossed over here.

Happy Birthday Bad!

Oh bloggy friends! How I've missed you! Kiss! I missed you, I missed you, I missed you!

The Princess decided to 'play' on the computer Monday afternoon, and it has taken me until now to get my internet connection back up. And now I have houseguests and a birthday party to get ready for. Badness is one today! Woohoo! I survived the first year! More on that later, with photos! Hopefully I'll get a chance to post, and to visit you all later this week..... but if not, I'll be back Sunday after everybody leaves.

xoxo, Badness Jones

He's a Breast Man

The Princess weaned herself between 8 and 9 months old. She was just too busy to nurse, and preferred a cup that she could hold by herself. I don't even remember the last time she nursed, I didn't have any engorgement or pain. It was easy and gradual.

The boy is a different story. He adamantly refuses a bottle or cup. I know I'm partly to blame. When he was about 3 months old he was slowly losing weight and we had to have him tested for Cystic Fibrosis and Celiac disease. He has always been a long, thin baby, but at that point you could count his ribs, and his face was gaunt and hollowed. While we waited for the test results we decided to supplement nursing with one bottle of formula a day. The test results all came back negative, and the 3oz of formula at night did the trick, he started gaining again. In hindsight, my mistake was stopping the formula when he started on solids and didn't seem to need it any longer. I did that because I was afraid he'd wean himself early like the Princess did, and as he's my last I wanted to continue on a bit longer. I'm not saying I want to give it up completely now, but I would like him to stop waking up at night to nurse, and it would be convenient to not be his only source of liquid!

I've started leaving him with a babysitter one day a week while the Princess is at school so I can do some work on the phone and computer for Hubs, and actually have a bit of time to myself. From 9:00 to 3:00 he refuses to drink one drop. Bad's a breast man. My other problem is that he's not a very calm nurser. He rarely lies still anymore. I've adjusted to the pinching and grabbing that accompanies all feeds, but lately he's started working on some more athletic moves. This morning I was lying with him in my bed, trying to get him to go down for a nap, and he was wiggling and squirming and trying to stand up. All without letting go of my nipple. It's like he's caught in an internal struggle between wanting me, and wanting to nurse, and wanting to get up and be a big kid and explore the world. I don't want to force his decision, but I don't think I should have to nurse a kid while he's perfecting a downward-facing dog!

When did you all wean? How did you make the decision? How did you make it happen? I have a friend who got so fed up with a two year old who refused to wean that she put Tabasco sauce on her nipples.....he was so shocked and angry he punched her in the eye! She had a shiner for a week! Do I have to just put up with this? I don't mind nursing him longer, but I would like the mother abuse to end. Help me, blogosphere!

And does anyone know why blogger has suddenly decided to double-space my posts? Me no like!

O Christmas Tree!

My sister and her family came up on Saturday, and we all went out to Drysdale's to get our Christmas trees. They bought themselves a lovely big SUV to celebrate the birth of their baby in the spring, and I must say that Hubs and I have found it very useful for buying furniture. Even better, our tree fit in it, so we didn't have to move any child seats and now they can spend the next four months vaccuuming needles instead of us! (Hi, and thanks again guys, you lurkers!)

Hubs protests more every year. He feels that the number of ornaments we have is getting out of hand. I used to do a more restrained, 'designer' tree - but as a child I loved the colour and tackiness of it all, and since the Princess was born I've let the decorating take on a more and more 'Who-ville' type vibe.

There's the tree topper I coveted through

October, November and December one year,

and finally purchased for 75% off in February.

Disco balls, and colourful flocked baubles from Ikea.

There are also many special ornaments Hubs and I bought on our travels before we had children. Even more precious because we haven't travelled much since the kids were born!

Including a blown glass coke bottle from Las Vegas,

a reggae angel from Bahamas,

this gnome from Montreal,

and a fisherman from our honeymoon in PEI.

We always give the princess an ornament on the day we get the tree, and have started to do the same for Bad. This year, she knew what to anticipate, and was so excited to pull all her ornaments from the box, and delighted to open her new one.

This is the special ornament from the Princess's first Christmas.

There's Humpty-Dumpty, that I bought at Harrod's

and gave her when she was two.

and this year, another frog prince.

This is what we gave the Boy last year, when he was 4 days old,

and this year.


Waiting for the tree to defrost was terrible, so we baked some cookie ornaments
to make the house smell spicy and sweet.

There are decorations the Princess has made, and I'm looking forward to adding some by Bad.

there are ornaments from my childhood,

and from Hub's....

We couldn't forget the candy-cane!

And what do you get when you pile it all up on the most beautiful tree in the forest?

The story of a life and a love and a family.
Memories for my children to make and to keep.

Hubs....did you audition for this?

NanaNana-booboo NaBlahBlahBlah!

Today's the last day! They say a picture is worth a thousand words, and since I've written at least that many this month, go here to see how I feel about making it through to the end.

And big hugs and thank-yous to everybody for coming over and commenting - I know I'dve given it up if it weren't for you! See you in December!

Run Badness, Run!

Yesterday started off badly. I woke Hubs up at 8:00 to see if he could watch the kids for a bit so I could go for a run. He said, "Sorry - but I've got to get to work." You can imagine my mood when he was still in his jammies at the computer when I left at 9:30 to take Princess to dance.

After dance I fed the kids in the car and drove to Vaughan Mills to get photos taken for Christmas. But first I had to buy matching white t-shirts for them to wear. (btw - Old Navy has lots of long sleeve t-shirts for babies and little kids, reg. $9.50 ea on sale 2 for $10) I changed them and did the Princess's hair in the middle of the mall. They looked very, very, cute. Just not in the resulting photos. The Princess jumped to be in front of every shot, and Badness kept crawling off the backdrop. After the photos we went to get a snack and 3 different places were out of chocolate milk. I was a wreck by the time we got back to the car.

Both kids fell asleep on the drive home, which meant I could listen to the radio and not Raffi, but they woke up UGLY. I went up and got changed into running gear, so I could exit the house the SECOND that Hubs arrived. I sat Princess in front of the tv while I cooked them dinner (KD -good mom, right?) with Badness on my hip. Hubs called, he was running late.

By the time Hubs got home it was 6:45, cold and pitch black out. Still, the second he'd changed I plunked the boy into his arms, leashed up the dog, and went out. I ran. For the first time in almost 2 years I ran. Not as fast, or as far as I would've liked, but still.....getting out of the house was half the battle. (I'd already decided to ease back into it slowly, because there will be no lolling between the sofa with an ice-pack and a nice hot bath if I over-do it and hurt myself.)

It felt great. I felt great. And I was a much nicer mom when I did get home. And today, I went out and bought myself new lipgloss.....I'm like a new woman already! Yay Me!

Good Times.

Y'all were right. He didn't sit still for the photographer either. Sigh. And if any of you happen to be talking to the Princess, Chuck E. Cheese burnt down. Back me up, 'kay? Sigh.

Where is that houseboy with my drink?

The Gospel According to Dora....

Ok, maybe I'm opening a can of worms here, but here's an old story, the back story, and a question. Old story first:

On Good Friday, I had to explain to the Princess (then 3 1/2) why there wasn't any school. "Well today is the anniversary of the day Jesus died.....do you remember who Jesus was?"
"No Mommy." Shit. Mother of the Year slips my grasp again.
"Well, I'll have to get some stories about him to read to you."
"OH! MOMMY! I'll get my Dora book! It has sooo many stories! Maybe there's one about Dora and Jesus in there!"

Don't worry, I already feel the shame. How could this have happened? The backstory:

Hubs and I were both brought up nominally Christian. Hubs went to the Anglican church as a kid, and then went to a Christian boarding school. Which turned him off religion forever. The story of the school's closing was recently picked up in the Globe and Mail - search 'Grenville'....they'll explain better than I can. (to clarify - Hubs was miserable there, and feels religion was used as a weapon, but he didn't suffer or witness the abuse mentioned) I have less excuse. Hubs is happy for me to take the kids to church....he wants me to, he just won't come. I suspect that he wants me to take them so that he can be alone with the television for an hour. I haven't taken them, even though the church is literally across the street and down two houses, because I am tired and don't want to add to the time I spend alone with my children. I like hanging out with Hubs on Sunday. I like leaving the kids in his care and lounging on the sofa with coffee and a book.

And that brings us to the question:

After the Easter incident, I bought a few books to read to the Princess, a story about Noah, and a children's bible, but she really wasn't interested. The question got pushed to the back of my mind. Christmas is bringing it back to the forefront. How do I educate her about religion? To be clear, my worries are educational and for her soul. She has beautiful manners and morals, you have only to look in her eyes to see that her soul is pure. If there is a heaven, she will go there. My own beliefs are tentative, un-formed - I don't want my children to follow in my footsteps, but to make up their own minds. However, I want them to have a background, a basic knowledge, of the bible and its stories....so much of literature assumes this of its reader that it is vitally important. If I can impart the right background, they will have what they need to decipher the metaphors around them and make their own decision about God. But....how do I do that? Do I need to take them to church? Every Christmas Eve I let the kids open a present - and it is always new pyjamas and a storybook. This year one of the books is the Christmas story. It's a start. What else can I do? What do you do?

Saving the Badass from a Fat Ass

So I was reading Shay's posts about running, and how proud she is of keeping at it (and you should be girl! You go! You inspire me!) and it made me realize how much I miss the days when I ran. When I could say I was a runner. I never ran races, not my thing, but 4 or 5 days a week I would lace up my shoes and run for at least an hour. I ran by myself, I ran with friends, I ran with our dog. I could sprint up the 100+ stairs from Davenport road to Casa Loma and not have to stop and rest. These days the stairs in my house sometimes leave me winded. (Well, I'm sometimes carrying the combined 60+ pounds of my kids up them!)

I haven't ran since I was a few weeks pregnant with Badness. I haven't run regularly since I was a few weeks pregnant with the Princess. It's funny how you get into and out of the groove. My favourite time to run is first thing in the morning. That's when I had the energy, the time, the motivation. By the end of the day, my motivation is for the sofa. During my pregnancy with the Princess I was violently ill every single morning (and afternoon, and evening) for 27 weeks. When it passed I walked, but I was too big and out of shape to run.

I miss it. I read Shay's post on Sunday and decided it was time to do it. (Flu be damned.) I ran upstairs to dig out some sweats and was immediately foiled - none of my long neglected sports bras were up to the task of supporting my still-nursing breasts. But I laced up my shoes anyway. I took the dog, took a begging Princess (in the stroller so she couldn't slow me down - this was for ME), and I walked. I walked with long, fast strides. I walked until my heart was beating loud and fast, walked until my muscles burned and my lungs were filling deep with cold, clean air. I walked until my mind cleared and my spirits lifted.

I'm going to walk again today after dropping the Princess at school and Badness at a sitter. And then I will go buy new gear. Tomorrow I will run. It has been a long time, and it won't be pretty. I will probably have to start with walking a minute, running a minute like at my first running clinic - but I will run.

This badass will be a fat ass no more. Thanks Shay.

Anything for freebies.

Two wonderful sites are offering the chance to win free stuff just for linking to them. So without further ado:

Go check out Sarcastic Mom's rack. I need me some new clothes.

And go check out Teeny Manolo. I need me some new books.

Ok, universe, do your thing!

He Walks!

Badness has been climbing stairs and cruising around the furniture for months now, but last night he let go and took more than the tentative two or three steps he'd been doing.....he walked halfway across the living-room into my arms! Mommies lock up your daughters....there is nowhere left to hide!

And talks!

This morning he said his first word! Banana! Well, 'nana! 'nana! As I was holding one at the time and he was gesturing wildly for me to 'just give me the banana already woman!' I have chosen to view it as a real word and not a coincidence. The Princess maintains that he said "chair" a few weeks ago, but I have invoked my power as mommy and keeper of the baby books and declared that unless I see and hear it, it doesn't count.

I apologize for the excess of exclamation points in this post, but I am Just! So! Proud! and scared....but we'll save that for another post.

A Plague upon the House of Bad

Oh alright...so it's just some kind of nasty cold virus. But Badness has been up coughing the last few nights, by yesterday morning he had a low-grade fever and was dripping disgusting green mucus out of his nose. Come late afternoon the Princess and I were sporting fevers, and I have that tell-tale scratchy tickle in my throat. I didn't get much sleep. At one point in the night when we were nursing, Badness had a coughing fit and accidentally bit down so hard on my poor nipple that it still has the marks.

I commented somewhere that I was going to try to post photos this weekend, and Sarcastic Mom suggested I join in on her Weekly Winners meme, but I never did get the camera out. I promise that I will do it one day soon. In the meantime, go and have a look at what less lazy people did.

I'll leave you with just one more whiny complaint - Hubs wouldn't get up with the kids this morning, and I had to make my own sick tea......poor old me.

Pretty Please.......?

Dear Santa,

How are you? How are your reindeer and Mrs. Claus? I know you must be very busy this time of year. Did you get your letter from Princess and Badness? Don't worry, I've got your back on that one.

This year, I need you to bring something for me. I know that it has been a long time, but I've been a really good girl this year. Well, pretty good. Ok - sometimes I'm naughty, but trust me, Hubs likes it that way. Can I please have a laptop? I'm not being greedy, I need it. When Hubs started his company he appropriated the family desktop.....he's on it all night, and all weekend. And in the day, when he goes out on sales calls, I've got all the kids' demands to deal with. Other than at nap-time on the two days a week Princess is at school, if I want to surf, I either have to shoo them off me or type and nurse. I've been posting at 6:00 am, when no one else is even awake! Well, except for Princess and Badness....those two would never let me get lonely. And there are lots of other things I should be doing at nap-time....

It wouldn't even be just for me Santa! See, I've started this little blog, and some really great people have been coming over to read it.....I bet they've all been good. I'm sure that if you got me a pretty little laptop, I could really improve the quality of the content for them....plus, I could write from bed, and have time to read and comment on more of their posts! It'd be like a gift for EVERYONE!

Come on, Santa.....you know Billy hasn't been all that good. He doesn't need that toy train. Leave it at the store and buy a little something for me.....

Merry Christmas!

Love, Badness Jones

French Kiss

The Princess really wants to learn French. It started when I bought her some 'Days of the Week' underwear from Joe Fresh that have the days in French and English. Every morning we have to choose the right pair, and sound out the word in both languages. Her accent is actually pretty good, I melt every time she says "Dimanche".

My French is really rusty, but I can still read it, and although it would have to be a very slow and stilted conversation, I can speak enough to get by. Hubs is terrible. He stopped studying it as soon as he was able, and his accent is....atrocious. The man thinks it's funny to say "Frapper la rue!" (Literally, hit the road - but the expression doesn't translate.) When we go to Quebec and he tries to converse, the locals all cringe and switch quickly to English.

Last night when I was washing dishes, I overheard the Princess ask her Dad to teach her something in French. I was horrified to hear him start singing, "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir!"

Gah! I ran into the living-room. "What's wrong with you! Don't teach her that!"

Hubs looked completely non-plussed. "What? It just means kiss me."

"No, babe, it doesn't!"

"But I thought....well, what does it mean, then?"

"Well, literally, coucher is 'to lie down' but it means...."

"OH! Shit....sorry!"

"Mommy, I want Daddy to sing me the song!"

"Daddy is a terrible singer, and he forgets the words. Let's sing Alouette...."

"Oh, ok."

Oh! Shit....sorry! indeed.

Sorry Miss Thompson....

My kids usually go to bed pretty early, like 7:30, but we've got friends staying in town at the Nottawasaga for a conference so we went over to visit after dinner last night. The Princess and her friend went swimming with the daddies and the moms had a nice chat while chasing Badness around the place. We had a great visit, and the Princess loved the pool, but it was after 9:30 when we left. Needless to say the girl was looking a bit puffy-eyed this morning.

I managed to get her to school without any tantrums, but it took some very gentle and indulgent parenting. There's piles of new snow, so I pulled her to school on her sled to avoid the whining and tears that she's prone to when tired. She got off the sled, kissed me, walked through the gate, said "hi" to her teacher and put her backpack against the wall.

"Can you put your bag by our door Regan? Or are you going to be in Miss Clark's class today?"

"WAAAAHHHHH!" she cried and sat down. "Mommy I need you to come in. I can't walk that far! I need you to help me!"

Literally, she needed to go 10 more feet to get to her classroom door, but I went in, moved her backpack and hugged her again until she calmed down. As I passed Miss Thompson I muttered under my breath "Am I ever glad she's with you and not me today. She was up REALLY late."

The teacher looked up and laughed, "That's evil!"

Yes, Miss Thompson, I am. And while I feel bad saying it, today, it sucks to be you.

7 More Things

I thought of some! Amazing how the mind-numbing tasks of day to day life help a girl think....

So - when I am made Supreme Ruler of the Universe you can expect the following:

1. To expound on the carpet theme, carpeting in bathrooms will be banned outright. Because, ewww! Extra task-forces will be sent to England immediately....come ON people, you built an EMPIRE, what are you thinking?!

2. All people working in retail or customer service will be required to actually HELP their customers. Without sighing. Anyone caught glaring at a customer for daring to want to make a purchase, therefore interrupting an oh-so-important phone call about what you did on Saturday night, will immediately be fired and made to work shovelling poop at a farm or zoo.

3. The home phone numbers of all telemarketers will be made public. So we can phone THEM during dinner.

4. Babies will sleep through the night. 'nuff said.

5. Chocolate will be declared a food group.

6. That lady at my daughter's dance class, the one who is always telling me how exhausted I look, and how I look so much better and full of life on the days I manage to wear make-up, will have her vile tongue removed and be given a job scrubbing out public bathrooms everywhere.

7. All Mommies will be granted a hot cup of coffee and a shower before entering into each day of servitude to their children - the REAL Supreme Rulers of the Universe.

7 More Things....but later.....

So Karen and I were both tagged for the 7 things meme yesterday, and then unknowingly tagged each other again. Since I kinda like the Supreme Ruler of the Universe thing I ended with yesterday, I thought I'd give you 7 more things I'd do....but I can't think of any right now. I'll try to get to it this afternoon.

In the meantime, go read what Margaret did with this, that girl is talented and funny. She'd make a great Supreme Ruler - plus she said some lovely things about ME, further proof of her superior insight and intellect.

Supreme Ruler of the Universe

First, to everyone who commented yesterday - thanks. You make a girl feel so good, if the world finds out about y'all, it's gonna put the Prozac guys out of business!

Now, the lovely and talented Jen at No Place Like It has tagged me for the 7 things meme. Not sure I'm all that interesting, but here goes:

1. I had my nose pierced back when that still had the power to shock. The night I met Hubs for the first time he told me I looked "like a freak". He still asked around to get my number... Once suburban kids everywhere started piercing all of their various facial protuberances I stopped wearing mine. The hole has long since filled in.

2. I have to eat burgers and sandwiches around in a circle, so that the yummiest centre bit is saved for last. I will lay the smack down on anyone who tries to steal a bite of my middles....I mean it, Hubs, I'm not taking any more of that crap from you!

3. Except for my kids. I will give them my middles and eat their crusts.

4. I am crazy scared of mice. Even the princess thinks it's ridiculous. We had a mouse last winter and while we were trying to catch it Hubs had to go away for a week....he asked me what I would do if I saw it or caught it while he was gone and to his horror I told him that I'd pack the kids in the car and take them to the Marriott for a week. I would've too.

5. I can roll my eyes back in my head so that you can only see the whites, and then make them quiver. Boys of all ages love this trick. I can also bend the top joint by itself in all of my fingers. Try it, not everyone can do this.

6. I abhor carpets in any colour other than neutral shades from cream to taupe. My first act upon being made Supreme Ruler of the Universe would be to outlaw the manufacture of all coloured carpeting, and appoint task forces to knock on doors and rip out all existing coloured carpet. I would commission huge incinerators to be built to burn it all. Pink would be burnt first. I would do this before addressing hunger or world peace. (You can go wild with area rugs people, my vendetta is just against the wall-to-wall.)

7. I always break the chain when sent chain letters and e-mails etc. So why should a meme be any different? I think I'm supposed to tag 7 people, so I will, but I don't want to know seven things about you. Let's call this the mini-meme - I just want to know what YOU'D do first upon becoming Supreme Ruler of the Universe. So:

Phoenix
Karen
Heidi
Veronica
Margaret
Chantelle
Type(little)a

and anyone else reading this, if you want to play, you're it. And rules shmules. Tag someone else if you like!

Photographic Memory...

I don't like having my picture taken. I try to step out of the camera frame as much as possible. My picture appeared in the local paper last week, in conjunction with a mural I'd worked on, and I was horrified. People approached me and said "Oh! I saw your picture..." I hated it. Fame is obviously not for me.

My mom never liked having her photo taken either, and when we were kids she would refuse to be in pictures, or cut herself out of them later. We have next to no photos of my mom with us when we were little. No photos of her holding us as babies. No photos of her chasing us as toddlers. I have a picture of her in my mind - tall, beautiful, with long blonde hair, but her face is blurry. I would love to have a photo to refresh that memory. So I am trying to fight down my aversion to the camera for my kids' sake.

I have photos of myself pregnant with each of them. I have one photo of myself holding them in the delivery room, complete with puffy face, exhausted eyes and delirious, insane-asylum grins. I have photos of me giving them their first baths, my body still swollen and bloated. I have photos I like more - holding Princess on her first Christmas, at a friend's wedding. Days that I made the time to do my hair and make-up.

And photos I like less. Hubs took one yesterday at the parade, and when I loaded it onto the computer I called him into the room:

"Do I really look like that? Seriously, is that really what I look like!?"

"What do you mean? You look great....you're smiling, you're happy!"

"But I look so TIRED! My lips are pale....I need a haircut and highlights"

"Babe....you look great. We're not 20 anymore..."

I guess that's the problem. In my mind, I am 20. Which is why I get such a shock when I look in the mirror or see a photo of myself. And so, in the spirit of accepting who and what I am now, I offer you this -

( I'm not a bag lady - you need sleeping bags on the sidewalk to watch the parade!)

Because it may not be beautiful to me, but, someday, this photo might hold memories that are beautiful and precious to them.